Women of a "Certain Age"

We're happy to share stories and commentaries on being a woman and growing older!
We might also include miscellaneous, but interesting, trivia for you edification and enjoyment.
As our friends continue to bring these witty or insightful messages to us,
we will happily add them to this page.

Red Hat Red Hat Red Hat

BODY THIEVES
Thought you should know about this..... Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While this kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day!
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to bed in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that have been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now my rear end complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantically, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized that my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish!
Age? Age has nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity.
NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my t-shirts. What could they do to me next?
My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story.
I can't take on the medical profession by myself.
Women of the world - wake up and smell the coffee! That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has has a face "lifted", look again.
Was it lifted from you?
I think I finally found my thighs.... and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!!!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last night I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband!
Author Unknown (but very funny)


OLD AGE
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not thonk of myself as old. Uppon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question and that I would ponder it and let her know. Old Age, I decided is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body...... the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person who lives in the mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life or my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to and less critical of myself; I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie or for not making my bed or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need but looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon -
before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it anyway if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love....I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit stretched over a bulging body and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set.
They too will get old!
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is as well forgotten.... and I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken..... How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one or when a child suffers or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength, understanding and compassion.
A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray and to have my youthful laughs forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you grow older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore; I've earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer the question, I like being old; it has set me free. I like the person I've become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am here, I will not waste time lamenting about what could have been or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert every single day!
Author Unknown


16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark; a large group of professionals built the Titanic.
And finally.....
16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.



HOW OLD IS GRANDMA?

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandma about current events. He asked her what she thought about shootings at the schools, the computer age and just things in general. The Grandma replied,"Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
television
penicillin
polio shots
frozen food
Xerox
contact lenses
Frisbees and
the pill
There was no:
radar
credit cards
laser beams or
ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
pantyhose
air conditioners
dishwashers
clothes dryers (the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air) and
man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your grandfather and I got married first.... and then lived together.
Every family had a mother and a father.
Until I was 25, I called every nam older than me,"Sir" and every woman, "Maam".
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment and common sense.
We were taught the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out while listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with "Made in Japan" on it, it was junk.
The term "making out" referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5&10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on streetcars and Royal Crown Colas were all a nickel.
And if you didn't splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gasoline was only 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
"grass" was mowed
"coke" was a soft drink
"pot" was what your mother cooked in
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office
"chip" meant a piece of wood
"hardware" was found in the hardware store and
"software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap!
So how old do you think Grandma is?
SHE IS ONLY 58 YEARS OLD!!!!!



A STRANGE OLD LADY

Even though this lady is residing in MY house, she may at some time appear in yours. Be alert!

A very weird thing has happened. A strange lady has moved into my house. I have not idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was!

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude!

I have tried screaming at her, but she screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it's not nearly enough.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone! I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream.

And money isn't the only thing she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate - especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she's tampering with my scales to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going to my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularily annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telehone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She has even made my bed higher and car lower so that getting into and out is a real challenge. Lately, she's been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.

She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks ridiculous in some of those outfits; plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
And just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just when the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!

I hope she never finds out where YOU live!

Author Unknown

25 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY THE TIME YOU REACH MIDDLE AGE

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to chuch doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake before you make it.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than your refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.



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