Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going thru menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, finish the basement. When you're done, you'll have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year old look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antiques stores?
A: "I remember these."
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear God: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife stays home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body
to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the clothes to be cleaned,
took them to the dry cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the
ironing board and watched television while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chicken breast filets and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids and put them to bed. At 9:00 he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where
he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Dear God, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
God, In his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way you were. You'll have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't
remember your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at he. For at least three minutes she just stared at her. Finally she said,"How soon do you need to know?"
Two older women were out riding in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again, Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost positive
that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77, Please be careful!" "It's not
just one car,"Herman replied. "It's hundreds of them!"
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see
an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark; a large group of professionals built the Titanic.
And finally.....
16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandma about current events. He asked her what she thought about shootings at the schools,
the computer age and just things in general. The Grandma replied,"Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
television
penicillin
polio shots
frozen food
Xerox
contact lenses
Frisbees and
the pill
There was no:
radar
credit cards
laser beams or
ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
pantyhose
air conditioners
dishwashers
clothes dryers (the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air) and
man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your grandfather and I got married first.... and then lived together.
Every family had a mother and a father.
Until I was 25, I called every nam older than me,"Sir" and every woman, "Maam".
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment and common sense.
We were taught the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out while listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with "Made in Japan" on it, it was junk.
The term "making out" referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5&10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on streetcars and Royal Crown Colas were all a nickel.
And if you didn't splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gasoline was only 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
"grass" was mowed
"coke" was a soft drink
"pot" was what your mother cooked in
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office
"chip" meant a piece of wood
"hardware" was found in the hardware store and
"software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap!
So how old do you think Grandma is?
SHE IS ONLY 58 YEARS OLD!!!!!
Even though this lady is residing in MY house, she may at some time appear in yours. Be alert!
A very weird thing has happened. A strange lady has moved into my house. I have not idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in.
I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was!
She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a
glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely
obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude!
I have tried screaming at her, but she screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.
Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it's not nearly enough.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone!
I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to
buy wrinkle cream.
And money isn't the only thing she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate - especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies
and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this,
and to make herself feel better, she's tampering with my scales to make me think I am putting on weight, too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going to my closets when I'm not home and
altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularily
annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print
so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telehone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She has even made my bed higher and car lower so that
getting into and out is a real challenge. Lately, she's been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible
for me to open the jars.
She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks
ridiculous in some of those outfits; plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
And just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just when the
camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!
I hope she never finds out where YOU live!
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to chuch doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake before you make it.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than your refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.